first love: part 3

 

Read the previous chapter  1 & 2
Her dreams were doomed and they were never destined for survival, at least not for her. After two weeks, i was finally able enough to talk to him. There isn’t an exact reason for not talking to him. He was just frank enough to ask my hand. But i reacted bad. Years have passed after my first love and i had lost my ability to dream from those years. I was helpless and can’t help him. I need to convey that and he should accept it. My sadness dissipated in those days and i was able enough to meet his eyes (huh!!!! Those eyes…. they looked deep down into me ). I didn’t want stop talking to him nor lose his friendship since i didn’t have many to be termed as friends.  

In the past two weeks i had gone through a series of arguments between my mind and heart. I can’t let both win. I got back to normal with my office routines. I called him up in the evening. Over the phone his voice seemed to be calm which made me keep me at ease in talking. I apologized for my over reacting and asked about his dinner plan. In the evening while getting ready i was nervous, someone inside me whispered to stay calm. He was waiting for me at the entrance. He welcomed me with a warm smile as if nothing has happened. He remained as if i haven’t hurt him. The ice breaking session after the two weeks was better than i thought.

He said he doesn’t like hiding anything inside and doesn’t like to talk with things kept hidden in mind. Whatever decisions he had taken in life after so much thoughts were never successful while all his instantaneous decisions were right for his life so far. Hence he thought it was best to say it openly no matter how i took it. He said sorry for placing me in such an embarrassed situation. He had called after that beach incident just to apologize. He never intended his statements to spoil our friendship. The conversation over dinner slowly made feel comfortable. Our talks shifted from the happenings of past two weeks and to office stuffs. 

I felt better that evening in the past several days. I got indulged with my deadlines again until one morning that envelope was handed over by my superior. Few months before, i was in search of change in my work and hence applied for the company’s foreign yearly deputation. Every year company selects 2 among the candidates. I don’t know whether to say luckily or unluckily, i am selected for this years program. Its one year program and i am assigned to join our company office at Italy: the land of Leonardo da Vinci. While applying there were many optional places but the historic and wanderlust demon in me chose “ITALY”.  My colleague had selected for Japan. I was happy and received greetings from my team mates. I informed my family too. They weren’t much happy about going abroad for such a long time. Since they knew my wish, they keep supporting me 🙂 Now only one person was left behind from informing. Its HIM!

I dragged myself till evening and thought of saying it directly. Finished with the work and called him up for a walk at the beach. After the last incident we both haven’t been there together and he agreed. This time i reached earlier and kept myself absorbed in the people from different life styles. I was long lost in watching them and didn’t even knew when he arrived. Hmm…its time to tell him. “I am going to ITALY” I said in one breath. He took a minute to smile and then congratulated me. He asked about the details. ” Didn’t i see a flash of pain in his face before he smiled? ” I didn’t want to think in such minute reactions of him. “How long will you be gone?” his question brought me back from my thoughts. “ONE YEAR”. “You will have a great time with work, travel and fun. So when do you have to leave?” , he said.  “Next week, i suppose. I haven’t received the visa and ticket yet from office”.
We departed to our respective nests and in another few day i was kept busy with finishing the held up works as well as clearing up the formalities. We just exchanged few calls and messages. I slowly started packing my things. On the previous night, we went for dinner at our usual place. We had to force ourselves from the repeated entry of silence amongst us. He had a big brown jacket and a diary for me as parting gift.  He knew very well that i didn’t keep well with my health and i will be facing European winter this time. In the midst of one of our conversation, i had mentioned about my habit of keeping journals and that prompted him for the second gift which had brown leather cover with faint yellow pages.  The next day he came with me from home to drop me at the airport. I handed over my home keys so that he can take care of it in my absence. He smiled and agreed to take care of it 🙂 We stayed silent on our way to airport. I wasn’t feeling good enough to part with him. Somewhere deep down i was feeling the pain which i kept on neglecting. We both knowingly stayed from letting emotional outburst.  My flight was announced and it was time for the check in. Huhhh….i have to say bye to him. As i turned, he just hugged me and said “STAY SAFE” with a kiss on my forehead. My eyes became foggy. I shook my head in response and patted over his shoulder. With an attempt to smile i said ‘BYE”. I took my bag and walked ahead. I could feel his eyes following me until i was totally lost among the hundreds of travelers at the airport. I could feel his thoughts of tearing apart. I had to fight myself from looking back since i knew that those eyes will be filled with tears and heart with pain.
Just because “HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME…..”

to be continued…

first love: the story continues…

Here is the first part of this story Part 1  🙂

Seasons and years washed away into the past. Everything changed. People around me have moved on. I became faint memory for the best friends of my school time. Faces came and went like tree shedding its leaves. Many became strangers and unknown became close. Everything seemed right for the moment. Search for a best friend only remained in me. Traveled to new places, met new people and life. I kept walking since i had a dream to chase. I was lost in the crowd. Lived each day with its on happy, sad, desperate, anxious and lonely moments. With time, memories got rusted and people didn’t mean much more to me. 

My footprints remained single. Never had the chance to be away from my loneliness and i was getting used to it. Moving away from house and hometown let me be in my own way of life. Highly paid job kept me busy with my everyday and weekends went in house hold things. Once in a while went with friends 🙂 I kept visiting the seaside whenever it was possible. I found peace of mind on the shore while i walked with the waves. Forgot who i was, what my liabilities were. I was just being myself and it soothed my soul. Each wave washed my feet and took my pains to the deep sea. I could see different lives on the beaches. Every face held a story beneath their mask. After the walk, i feel ready to face the next week, with the targets to be accomplished. 

Routine continued until one fine evening when my walk on the beach ended near a footstep. After the tiring weekdays of deadlines and meetings, i rode my car to the beach that evening. I didn’t had anything in particular to be happy or sad. I just wanted a change in atmosphere since the office seemed suffocating by evening. The weekend started early since Friday also was public holiday. Thursday evening didn’t bring much rush on the beach. As i could see, very few people were there. Few on their regular evening jogging,some with camera waiting for the serene sunset and few local kids.  At a long distance I found one distinct human figure standing and receiving the waves with eyes over the horizon.  I started walking barefoot for the natural water spa. Eyes down over the waves, ears lent for the melodious tracks on the ipod. How long i walked i didn’t know unless my eyes met another feet next to me. I had to lift my eyes to meet the stranger next to me. 

I couldn’t recognize at first. It took a moment to rewind the hard disk of memory. The face held a smile of recognition for me and said “Hi”. Automatic reply of  “Hi” came out from my astonished face and lately somewhat a smile too. “Do you remember me?” came next. “Yes, I do” was my reply. That was just the beginning of a good friendship. Meeting an old face and reviving the beautiful memories made their evening. He was new to this city and i found to be helpful in describing do & don’t for this city. The evening was totally immersed in talk and it was late by the time we realized “time to get back”. With a note to meet again we said bye. 

Morning seemed to be lazy one and i shifted to my home maker mode. Spent good time with reading, cleaning, gardening, laundry etc. Stocked groceries and veggies for the next week since i preferred home made food for night as i am advised to have. On weekdays cooking dinner kept me linked to my kitchen on daily basis. After the self pampering time for my body, i was blank with nothing to do. I got into my study room. As my eyes roamed over the bookshelf, it stood by the sight of my old diaries.

Smile came over my face and started searching over my oldest pen downed moments.  Ups and downs of teenage, struggle for scoring good for degrees, fight with friends, lose of souls in the family. Almost everything was documented over those papers until past three years. Message delivered on the phone blinked the light. It was HIM. Invitation for a dinner next day. I didn’t had any engagements and hence accepted it. He stayed few kilometers from my home.  

Dinner went well and we could recollect many more memories of childhood. Far away from homeland and it seemed such a relief to meet someone known. We laughed aloud over each others craziness. Talked about family, friends, studies, job etc. By the time we parted there was a good vibe in me for getting back a lost person even though i wasn’t looking anymore for a soulmate. I felt happy and received a “Thank You” message for dining with him 🙂

Days and weeks went and we exchanged few messages and calls in between. I went on official trip for one week and the tiredness of conference made me take few days leave from office. From many days i was missing my beach walk. I asked for his company too as i hadn’t got any updates from him. I waited for him. He came in a black shirt & jeans. As usual he could be appreciated over his dress choice and staying fit 🙂

He held an unusual smile. Someone inside me was getting conscious. He told me some serious chapters about his life and unopened one unknown fact about how he missed to have me years back. Crookedness / selfishness of one person made our destiny and we parted along our life years back. He wanted to search me out but fate has denied it then. After the regular talk, he made a statement ” i want to bring colors to your life and hence lemme be a part of your life. Do you still hold even a small feeling from the schooldays for me?”.  It was straight from the heart and i could make it from his eyes.  I just smiled and i didn’t hear what all he kept saying after that moment. I was lost in my own thoughts. He continued his life saga: tragedies, how he reached there and what he expected from life ahead.

MUA: Michelle Leander Herum

Without a word, i stood on the sand and he got the indication that i wasn’t comfortable anymore. I said bye and walked back to my car. I knew exactly what he could be feeling: his hope drained out like sand. I had been waiting for such an offer years back, but now that wasn’t the situation. Life has changed for me. I was again making him lose his hopes for the life. I couldn’t help it since i can’t ever fulfill his life. Days passed, i didn’t attend his calls or replied his messages. I was shattered inside and i still don’t know how could i manage that night to get back to my home. By the time i reached my front door, i was shivering and tears blocked me from opening the door lock. Somehow i managed to got inside and let my river of pain and emotions flood. 

This wouldn’t have been the story if that crookedness hadn’t played amidst of us. Maybe he would have been able to find me years back. Neither he could have faced the tragedies nor i would have been alone facing my life at this point in a faraway land.
DESTINY made us meet once again in our life time, yet we can’t be together!!!

To be continued….
Pic Courtesy: The image of a man along the beach has been from FB of my friend Nijith John taken by his beautiful wife Sheryl. Thanks dear 🙂

Liebster Award and thank you note…

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR NOMINATING ME FOR LIEBSTER AWARD 🙂

I am not at all skilled in expressing my thoughts onto paper. I have written so far 19 post in last 9 months. I am overwhelmed with the warm welcome i receive for my writing among our beautiful blogger souls 🙂 I am happy to be with my fellow writers. I thank whole heartily ROLLING STONE for promoting me. Let’s keep motivating all souls and share happiness & peace across the globe 🙂
Here are the answers for the questions .

1. Why did you decide to start a blog?
The childhood loneliness instigated me to be with books and always inspired me to write. Earlier writings were limited to diaries and torn away the trial attempts of writing stories on those days. I didn’t had the guts to write openly 😦 Now i feel i should write and to become a good writer i need critical reviews/ suggestions. Hence i am here 🙂
2. How do you rate yourself as a writer?
I don’t have the courage to call myself as a writer and i have a long way to go. I am learning how to be one.
3. Have you found anybody sharing your same likes and dislikes in this space?
Yes, i have found people with similar likes and dislikes. It makes me think the possibilities of widening at the time to be specific with writing. In fact most of them are wide in implementing thoughts into their writing material. Some write from the very tiny unnoticed things while some could from the vast topics. 
4. What do you think are the boys or the girls here..more supportive?
I found most of them to be supportive and critical suggestions are also put forward in the healthy manner so that the writer feels motivated. Many of the blogs are written after a good research and energy invested writings. To boost oneself to continue writing in the midst of  But very few i found to be namesake.. 
5. Do you have some hidden passion that you have set aside thinking that it’s not practical to be turned into a profession?
Yes i do love to do audio books. I try now and then short stories.I would like to do it so that tomorrow if i am not there still my next generation could have a feel of who i was through my voice 🙂
6. What do you prefer? To be alone or to be with friends?
I love to be alone most of the times since i am used to and it gives me more freedom with less explanations for the way i am.  I also love to be with friends who are very close to my life 🙂
7. What do you do when you feel down?
I get down mostly due to the judgement made on me without even knowing who i am. My soul is prone to misunderstandings. Such people fill me with angry and i withdraw more from them. I stay alone for sometime ( with movies, fav fast songs, cooking, books) and then get back  more energetic with a killer attitude. After all we are born warriors and no one can keep us down 🙂
8. Tell five things you have learnt from your life till now

1. Follow your heart.
   
2. Keep calm, we can’t always be failures. Hence be the PHOENIX.
3. No matter what or how much u do, people will still judge u. 
4. Learn to say “NO” in life.
5. Be truthful to self and do what keeps your soul happy.

9. Can you live without reading for 1 week?
No, unless i am kept in a dungeon.
10. Is reading what you love most among your hobbies? If not then what is it?
Reading is my main hobby. There are other things too which i like to do happily such as cooking, drawing, audio books, singing/music, compering, movies, pampering myself (shopping, nail art :p ), random wandering around and being with my beloved ones 🙂
11. Do you mind if you die tomorrow or do you think there are many things you have there to complete before your death?

Other than being departed from my family, i will be sad for

1. leaving behind my unfinished stories or novel,
2. not able to learn SCUBA diving
3. missed the hatching of marine turtle
4. Missed Aurora Borealis

With above simple rules i am happy to nominate my blogging fellow souls 

Dimensions

Hidden Pieces of Secret

Siddu38

Mridula

Binu Cherian

Indira’s Blog

Neeharika

swathy and deepak

Here are the questions for you:

1. When did you start writing?
2. What inspired you to start your blog?
3. From your first post till your recent one, how do you find this helpful for you?
4. When you see many blog articles, how do you choose to read one? I sit based on title or image or based on your choice to read your regular blog friends?
5. What keeps you continue writing blog  and how u get themes for each post?
6. Do you read regularly? What type of books and where you get them )buy or lend from library)?
7. Which is your favorite/ inspired book and author?
8. What is your dream?
9. What feeds your soul to stay happy?
10. One incidence which changed your perspective towards life
11. What would you like to be known as ( Say from 10 years from now on)? 

I hope i could give some nearly average questionnaire for my nominees for Liebster Award. 
STAY HAPPY AND KEEP BLOGGING  🙂

 

 

 

first love…

18….its been big long 18 years from the moment or days of my very first love!!!! How old i might be? Around 13 or 14 when i first started imbibing the feelings of love… 🙂 It wasn’t just instantaneous… it was a very slow movement of my heart without the permit clearances of my mind 🙂 By the time i realized it, it was already loosened the grips of steady mind. the murmuring of heart…. the constant search of my eyes to get one glimpse of him. Huh…. what is happening to me. I shouldn’t feel like this. He is the crush of my friend, how can i forget that. For this my mind had the exact justification: he doesn’t know that my friend likes him. Like any other teenage girls group we too had nick names, his name was “PACHHA” (it means green) 😀 😀 😀 he was the star of the school. Now when i think, i believe almost all the girls would have his image in their day dreams and would have been restless to get a look from him. And he walked as if he is never a reason for the sleepless nights of number of young souls 😉 

It was towards the end of 7th standard…our class was far opposite from his. a big ground was there in the midst and the usual break times we used to stand on the corridor. Between the chit chats, eyes were doing its routine scanning to get his faint glimpse from across the ground. Every day morning assembly on the ground told me whether my day was beautiful or not 🙂 Many a times, i was fortunate enough to get a reason to cross that ground and go to staff room or to office. Even i used to keep a count of number of times i saw that face on a day. There was an unexplained pain which was deep hidden inside in me… butterflies struggling to come out when i get the glance. How many times we have walked past??? Me holding the first secret while he never knew about the little heart 😦

Somehow that grade got over. I was so happy to get to the next grade since it was in the same building of his class. We will be having classes till 10th grade there itself. More chances to see. I had no one share my happiness nor i could express in my gang… since it could be back stabbing. Writing diary was my only options, that too in code. From somewhere i got a code language, learned it and kept writing his name all over my diary. I had only one dream and on prayer… TO BE WITH HIM!!! The best time was during the sports competition days from behind the crowd my eyes will be fixed on just one face with nonstop prayers for his victory.  My heart fluttered with joy whenever his name was announced as winner for the competitions he had participated 🙂 🙂 🙂 My feelings were loud enough for me but my LOVE saw light, always i kept them from pouring out.

Being junior i had to stay in the school for one more year till 10th grade. Safely kept all the old school magazines which had his pics 🙂 even now i have them at home. He joined new school and never had much chance to meet him. New school, new classmates. The whole ambiance of my school shifted from rural to urban. New school was difficult for me.  Letters post few without any names at his residence :p I was crazy…. At new school, i could grab some guts to speak out. During one vacation to home, i could somehow manage to get him on phone and talk. Even we met, so much of tensions and grumbling stomach i walked and stood in front of him at the bus stop. I don’t know how i was daring enough to hold up my eyes to face him. Till that day my love was faceless for him. He was in white shirt paired with a blue jeans. Within few minutes, without knowing or waiting to know his reply, i returned.  I kept my first love alive for another 3 years after 10th grade. But i couldn’t treasure it in the end of 3rd year, since i was misguided about him for selfish reasons by a third person. With silent grieves and tears dissolved under the showering, i had to put an official end to my first LOVE. Even now, revisiting those old diaries, take me back to my school days and to my crazy silent first love 🙂

Yet our destiny didn’t officially end there….
(to be continued…)