first love…

18….its been big long 18 years from the moment or days of my very first love!!!! How old i might be? Around 13 or 14 when i first started imbibing the feelings of love… 🙂 It wasn’t just instantaneous… it was a very slow movement of my heart without the permit clearances of my mind 🙂 By the time i realized it, it was already loosened the grips of steady mind. the murmuring of heart…. the constant search of my eyes to get one glimpse of him. Huh…. what is happening to me. I shouldn’t feel like this. He is the crush of my friend, how can i forget that. For this my mind had the exact justification: he doesn’t know that my friend likes him. Like any other teenage girls group we too had nick names, his name was “PACHHA” (it means green) 😀 😀 😀 he was the star of the school. Now when i think, i believe almost all the girls would have his image in their day dreams and would have been restless to get a look from him. And he walked as if he is never a reason for the sleepless nights of number of young souls 😉 

It was towards the end of 7th standard…our class was far opposite from his. a big ground was there in the midst and the usual break times we used to stand on the corridor. Between the chit chats, eyes were doing its routine scanning to get his faint glimpse from across the ground. Every day morning assembly on the ground told me whether my day was beautiful or not 🙂 Many a times, i was fortunate enough to get a reason to cross that ground and go to staff room or to office. Even i used to keep a count of number of times i saw that face on a day. There was an unexplained pain which was deep hidden inside in me… butterflies struggling to come out when i get the glance. How many times we have walked past??? Me holding the first secret while he never knew about the little heart 😦

Somehow that grade got over. I was so happy to get to the next grade since it was in the same building of his class. We will be having classes till 10th grade there itself. More chances to see. I had no one share my happiness nor i could express in my gang… since it could be back stabbing. Writing diary was my only options, that too in code. From somewhere i got a code language, learned it and kept writing his name all over my diary. I had only one dream and on prayer… TO BE WITH HIM!!! The best time was during the sports competition days from behind the crowd my eyes will be fixed on just one face with nonstop prayers for his victory.  My heart fluttered with joy whenever his name was announced as winner for the competitions he had participated 🙂 🙂 🙂 My feelings were loud enough for me but my LOVE saw light, always i kept them from pouring out.

Being junior i had to stay in the school for one more year till 10th grade. Safely kept all the old school magazines which had his pics 🙂 even now i have them at home. He joined new school and never had much chance to meet him. New school, new classmates. The whole ambiance of my school shifted from rural to urban. New school was difficult for me.  Letters post few without any names at his residence :p I was crazy…. At new school, i could grab some guts to speak out. During one vacation to home, i could somehow manage to get him on phone and talk. Even we met, so much of tensions and grumbling stomach i walked and stood in front of him at the bus stop. I don’t know how i was daring enough to hold up my eyes to face him. Till that day my love was faceless for him. He was in white shirt paired with a blue jeans. Within few minutes, without knowing or waiting to know his reply, i returned.  I kept my first love alive for another 3 years after 10th grade. But i couldn’t treasure it in the end of 3rd year, since i was misguided about him for selfish reasons by a third person. With silent grieves and tears dissolved under the showering, i had to put an official end to my first LOVE. Even now, revisiting those old diaries, take me back to my school days and to my crazy silent first love 🙂

Yet our destiny didn’t officially end there….
(to be continued…)