first love: part 5

Read the previous chapter  1, 2 ,  3 &  4

On my way back from your abandoned home of love, I couldn’t stop my eyes from sharing the gushing emotions of my lost love. For few moments i was silent and numb. Tear drops were ornamenting my palms. You still exists as the deepest pain in me. It could be the pain from the shattering of thousands of dreams i wove for us. The broken dreams still have sharp edges which keep bleeding my heart. I wore mask and with years the i kept on thickening my mask so that no one can see or touch them. The invisible wall kept those dreams from ever coming into light nor let anyone come beyond the wall. Beyond the wall lived a girl with wrecked dreams and scars.

Broken dreams: i never visited them or in other way, i forced to stay away from them.  After all going back to them is like checking the depth of unhealed wounds. I wasn’t ever like this. I wasn’t ever worried about my  targets or deadlines. I never wanted any of these in my life. i had dreamed of a simple and peaceful life with you. I dreamed of a small life and world of mine revolving around you. My love made me feel like you were the only thing i ever wanted in my life and i wanted you to be my everything. Every little thing of me should start and end with you or for you. I felt i could do anything to make you feel being in LOVE. I was madly in love with you. A time when it wasn’t ever possible to exchange a word or look with you. Nothing was required for me to love you. I didn’t even required letting you know that i was in love with you 🙂

I too had a lonely childhood like you. I didn’t had anyone to share with about my feelings and i kept on writing down. Recently when we talked about our childhood i came to know that you too had the similar lonely years (may be even more terrible than me). I was a free bird. Nobody ever cared about me or my likes & dislikes. Everyone were busy with there own responsibilities and i was kept forgotten. I met my cousins very few times in a year. I had special bond with them. They added tiny colors to my childhood.  I am thankful to them 🙂 But most days of the year, i had just one routine to follow: that was going to school. I was silent back bencher. No one noticed me ever 😦 I relied on books for most of the time. I never existed for the world and hence i created a world of my own. There i lived with the characters of all those books and authors.  I had no other place to hide. I am grateful to my parents that they never forced me for my grades and kept being above average. Dolls were not part of my girl childhood. I used to roam with my grandparents on weekend either collecting grass for the herds or getting wet coconut leaves back from ponds for preparation of thatching our family house or cattle shed. I went with them for ploughing, sowing, reaping of paddy.  Being with them added more colors to my fantasy. I was infused with so many stories and myths. When grand father took me on imaginary tour through Ramayana and Mahabharata Granny took me to the world of nymphs, witches, miracles of local medicine practitioner, revenge of snakes, unknown entities who made fireballs on the middle of our river at midnight. They were kind enough to me that they didn’t made me listen much to spirituality at that time while my mother did that job once in a while.

The spring brought new age of feelings and thoughts in me. At that age, it was inexplicable and i became restless. Your face became the topmost searched in the school time. Nights became sleepless as food became tasteless. I slowed down my roaming and withdrawn into a shell. I was more comfortable when i knew that i was restless for you. Knowingly or unknowingly that was the time when i started weaving DREAMS.  Dream for being wanted and living for someone. Lonely times had a new dimension, i was busy with daydreaming. I didn’t want anyone to interrupt me. I kept walking around my house with some novels or books for name sake. As soon as i find a peaceful place, mind drifted into my new secret world. There i wasn’t alone.You were there with me FOREVER! I was happy and condemned. 

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As i said, i never came in front of you. I was far behind among the crowd. One among them watching you. I was happy to see you from there since you seemed unreachable for the girl in me. I was slowly making a home in my dreams. A simple wedding was enough for me to just be added to your beautiful family 🙂  i thought about your beautiful home in the midst of those lush green woods. A place which was serene with peace and harmony with nature. My dreams were in a stage of cocoon. i dreamed about the days of conceiving our love. I saw myself siting under the mango tree with mid morning sun rays filtering over my wet hair and shining over my bumped belly. The morning sun rays brought warmness over my freshly showered oiled skin. It was an undecipherable and magical feeling. The thought being the mother for your kids made my heart jump with joys. I wanted our children to live with the goodness of sibling hood. In those days i was gestating delicate yet bewitching dreams about a life with you. For me, those dreams were more or less like my children. In those dreams, i was enceinte with our children. Children of our love!!!

To be continued….. 🙂